One thing that I find really ironic is that I'm quite good at being Buddhist and I have a broad knowledge of Buddhist philosophy, history and theories behind various meditational practices as well as a wealth of empowerments and instructions from my teachers, yet I rarely really practice the Dharma.

So from now on I will stop being Buddhist and instead actually practice.

My mum has been having lots of heart palpitations recently. So far all the tests results have indicated that nothing is wrong. She is worried though and that is what bothers me. My entire life she has always cared for me and sincerely done her best. Even just thinking about how kind she was when I was a child brings tears to my eyes.

I've hit a bit of a low the last few days. All brought about by a combination of wondering what the fuck I'm doing this degree for, frustration of not being able to help a couple of people and huge uncertainties about retreat and future practice in general.

Then there is the longer running issue of having spent a disproportionate amount of time and energy on maintaining relationships with a generally fickle and shallow groups of friends, rather than focusing on the friendships that have some deeper value to them, even if it's just the level of conversation. Unintentional ironic snobbery aside, what's really unhelpful here is the level of emotional attachment I place on arbitrary and constantly changing concepts. Today's friend is tomorrows enemy and vice versa.

If I approach the world in a less attached and more open way, with the attitude of friendliness towards everyone, instead of one of evaluation and judgment, then genuine experience becomes much more likely.

So it seems I've passed everything, at least provisionally. Scores were a pass in Classical Tibetan, a merit in History and Doctrine of Indian Buddhism and distinctions in Buddhist Ritual and on the Independent Research project. These are all provisional so I could still fail, but am sort of content at the moment. It means I can just concentrate on the dissertation which at the moment is feeling like a bit of a chore.

In other news, I'm starting to think about alternative ways of doing retreat, well not so much ways as places.